The Strength of Staying

It was just a normal night. My aunt was coming into town from Dallas Texas so that she could help out. It had been hard on my parents taking care of me while also remaining taking care of everything and everyone else in our house. I had gone to bed and was expecting to wake up and see my aunt in the morning. While trying to fall asleep I started feeling really nauseous, so I decided that I would go downstairs to eat something. I went downstairs and everyone was still awake. My brother, sister, mom, and aunt were talking while standing around the granite top island in the kitchen. My dad had left earlier that day to go on a business trip. I was talking and eating, but not feeling any better. I started laughing for no reason and couldn’t stop. I started feeling airy like anything could pass right through me. It felt like I was tiny and I was inside my brain. It was like I was a robot and my brain was the control room, it was like I was looking through a glass wall instead of my eyes. Everything around me was bigger and it felt like I couldn’t physically touch it. I don’t remember this, but my mom said that I got really weak and had to be helped up the stairs. I got in my bed and continued to feel ghostly. While lying there I could hear my aunt and mom speaking. I couldn’t speak back to them though, and couldn’t move any of my body. I was trying to tell them to take me to the hospital, but couldn’t get the words out. It was like my brain couldn’t signal my mouth to actually say any words. Then I felt like I had left the earth… I pictured myself holding on to a long hemp rope in a deep black tunnel. If I had let go I would have died, at least that’s what I thought. Then I pictured a different scene. I was standing in a forest that had a small lake. It was at night, so it was pitch dark, except for the moon and stars. I was standing by a tree looking out into the lake. There in the lake, I saw my dead body. I was dressed in an ankle length flowing white dress and floating in the water. I turned to the right and I saw a white light. It was so bright I could hardly keep my eyes all the way open. I didn’t know what was happening but decided to pray. I’m not religious, but I thought why not? It couldn’t hurt anything… so I prayed that I wouldn’t die. Now, this was a game changer for me because when this happened I was suicidal. I realized when going through these different scenes that I didn’t want to die. I thought about all the things I want to do in my life, all my dreams. Then I heard a voice. It was a deep man’s voice. I never saw anyone; I only heard the voice. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but something along the lines of that I had a choice to make. I could go with him and be at peace, or I could keep fighting. I think that this happened to me to show me that my life is important. That even though life is hard sometimes, I couldn’t give up just yet. I’m so glad that that happened because I haven’t been truly suicidal since.

Anyways, after that, I came back and saw my aunt and mom. Then I went back to the other world or whatever it was; I guess I will never know. This happened three times. Finally, my mom decided to take me to the hospital. I still couldn’t speak or move. My mom had my next-door neighbor carry me to the car. When we got to the emergency room a few nurses came out with a wheelchair to help get me out of the car. I still couldn’t talk to them but could understand what they were saying. They put me in a wheelchair and took me to one of the emergency rooms. My mom asked me questions… I blinked once for yes and twice for no. Apparently, I was crying through all of this, but I didn’t even notice. The doctor came in and pinched me really hard in different places to see if I could feel it. When I was finally able to talk I yelled at him. I mean I couldn’t speak or move! How was I supposed to tell him to stop? I had to spend the rest of the night there. They told me that I was fine and asked me to talk to one of their Psychiatric people. I told them they didn’t need to worry. I wouldn’t hurt myself or anyone else. The worst part though was how condescending all of the doctors and nurses were. They said I just had a panic attack. They made me feel like I was crazy, but I knew that I wasn’t. I lay in the hospital bed for the rest of the night. During all of the craziness, my dad had come back from the airport to be with me. Funny thing is I even asked my mom if I could go to school the next day. She said no of course.

I’ll always remember that night. I’ll remember that even if I’m having a rough day and don’t feel like living on, I have things to live for. I have to pick myself back up and keep going. That is my story of what I call my near-death experience. I will never know what truly happened, but all I know is that it taught me a big lesson. Don’t give up!


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1 Comment

  1. Ohhh, I remember that night well! It was so scary watching you go through this and not knowing what to do to help you. I’m so grateful you came out the other side stronger than ever!

    I’ve had a couple of near death experiences myself, and they are game changing. I’m so grateful for you Kal Gal and for our whole family. You have so many people that love you and want to see/help you get better!

    Keep writing Kali – these blogs are not only therapeutic for you, but eye-opening and informative for your followers. Love you!

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