When people ask me how I am I often lie. I think that all chronically ill patients can relate. We always say “I’m okay” or “I’m fine.” We aren’t, but that’s what people want to hear. When people ask how you are, often it’s because they’re trying to be polite. Usually they don’t want to hear your long story about your symptoms and medical history. Whenever I’m out being social (which isn’t often) I want to act as normal as possible. I want everyone to treat me like they would anyone else. I don’t want to be negative and all about my disease. It’s hard though, cause my whole life revolves around my illness. I don’t know what small talk is anymore or what it’s like to be a “normal” teenager. Often I feel like an outcast. I feel different and uncertain on how I should act around others. I don’t know what my friends go through on a day-to-day basis. All I know is being sick. I don’t remember what it was like being healthy. So when someone tries to talk to me, often I don’t know what to talk about. If I mention my disease the conversation dies and it becomes super awkward.
Tomorrow is Prom… I’m going to try to go hang out with a group of people. Some of them I know, some I don’t. They are going to get ready while I hang out. Then we are going out to dinner and taking photos. I wonder how it’s going to go. I have been really sick lately, so I will definitely need my cane, maybe even my wheelchair. It depends on if I go to all of it. I know that I can’t go to the actual dance, because of my neurological symptoms. My mom said that the restaurant will be crowded and loud too. That is not good for me, cause I’m very sensitive to light and sound. For example, when someone is talking at a normal volume, to me it sounds like yelling. Everyone will be nice, but sometimes it can be petty uncomfortable for me to be social. I wish that I could be social without it being difficult for me. I wish that I could do everything I wanted. Unfortunately, that’s not how it is. It’s okay though. Everything will fall into place like its supposed to eventually, including my social life. For now I have my family, my Lyme friends, and a few other friends supporting me. In the future I can make new healthy friends. All I need is to be myself. That’s always been one of my values. If people don’t know how to act around me that’s their problem. I should feel comfortable being me. I shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about being ill. I don’t need to worry about what other people are going to think. I need to live my life to the fullest.